Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I came so hard my ears popped.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
