Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
