Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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