Ambien. No doubt about it.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
