That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
