Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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