I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
