You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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