i need an iv and a liver transplant
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
