I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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