I just pynch a tree in the face
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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