I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
