dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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