so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
