You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
