my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
