How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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