you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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