I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
