I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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