I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
