good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
