He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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