That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
