If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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