The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
