Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
