Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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