Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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