I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
