but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
