I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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