i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
How does it feel to date your dad?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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