i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
