Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
