that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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