Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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