Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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