I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
