So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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