he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
