I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
