am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
