lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
