You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
