you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
