My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
