Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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