Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
