Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
