First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
