I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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