she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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