I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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