Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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