A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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